Divorce, or Break-Up, When There Are Children?


Divorce , or Break-Up, When There Are Children ?

As a therapist, I find counseling with couples, without children, who contemplate divorce to be mildly stressful. I always want to help people to solve the problems that they are coping with.

But, with married couples without children who fail to remain together, the pain and stress to them and their families normally does not damage any children. I take solace in that. If one or both are determined to divorce, and I have done my best to help them, I shrug my shoulders with resignation and sadly say, “O.K., its your life”.

When I am working with a married or formerly committed couple with children who fail to remain together, it is a gut-wrenching experience for me. I am pretty good at letting go of the therapeutic process when there is nothing left that I can do. But, I do everything in my power to persuade married or committed couples to consider the effects of their divorce upon their children.

Please allow me a brief fantasy.

If I were king, I would decree that no couple with children could separate before their children are graduated from high school. After all, the children did not ask to be brought into this world only to be separated from those who they have grown to love and depend upon for life, security. and normal growth and development.

In my fantasy, in this day and age of easy contraception, I would lecture to my kingdom:
 

“You brought your infant into the world and now it is your obligation to raise that child to the best of your ability. Your personal hopes and desires are secondary in importance to the needs of your child…and your child needs you to stay together to help him or her grow to the age of independence.

Sorry, that’s just the way it is. Besides, when you were married you took an oath before God to remain married, ‘Till Death Do Us Part’.

Why don’t you now just commit to, ‘Till Our Children Depart’, and worry about the rest later.
 
Now, let’s get to work to do the best job that you can possibly do raising your children and also find as much happiness during this process as is possible”.
 
O.K., the fantasy is over. Don’t get mad…it was only a fantasy!
The hard reality is that there are several good reasons to get a divorce, in spite of the hazards to the children involved. I am convinced by 30 + years of practice, that when children are involved, the marriage deal-breakers should only be: 1. Physical or Sexual Abuse; 2. Chronic Untreatable Emotional Abuse; 3. Chronic Untreatable Infidelity; and 4. Chronic Untreatable Alcohol or Drug Addiction or Abuse.
I believe these family problems normally put children at greater risk for harm than a divorce.
But for all other cases that include children, there is a moral responsibility to the children involved and to society to enter marriage/couples counseling and to try as hard as possible to improve the existing problems. Reasonable estimates of improved relations in couple’s relationships are between 60% and 70%.

If you are considering a divorce or terminating your relationship with your partner, and you have children, stop and think about what will happen to them.

I ask that you please have the courage to study the following links and then protect your children with all of your might.

This first link describes the harms that are likely to occur to your children.

http://www.divorcereform.org/psy.html

This second link describes the harms that accrue to society when marriages or couples with children break-up.

http://www.heritage.org/research/family/bg1373.cfm

V. Thomas Mawhinney, Ph.D.   11/21/09

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2 Responses to “Divorce, or Break-Up, When There Are Children?”

  1. vtmawhinney Says:

    I am sorry for you predicament. I have read some of your postings. I have no idea of your exact situation as your postings do not clarify anything but your unhappiness, a concern about serious mental illness and a hint at verbal abuse.

    Psychological testing for you and your husband by a Ph.D. level psychologist may reveal much and clarify much.

    I do not fault you for your concerns or your desire to find happiness through divorce if necessary.

    God’s Bless, Tom

    Like

  2. ecrovid Says:

    I appreciate your viewpoint. I actually started a blog to help cope with my failing marriage. I figured writting might make a difference since I was always replaying interactions over and over in my head. I just don’t have the opportunity to get on the computer like I used to.

    I’m actually planning to prepare the divorce papers this weekend while he is out of town. We do have a 19 month old son and we tried counseling for most of a year, but our situation has only gotten worse. I believe I fall into the ’emotional abuse’, however, I’m certain it’s not severe enough in your mind to constitute a divorce.

    I will read the links you posted.
    Thank you,

    Like

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